A beginner's guide to sex parties

How to navigate your first sex party with confidence

In September 2021, I attended my first sex party. In the days leading up to it, I felt a mix of calm and excitement. Surprisingly, despite not knowing what to expect (a situation that usually stirs my anxiety), I wasn’t distressed at all. The party itself was incredibly liberating. I loved being half-naked in a room full of strangers, surrounded by a kaleidoscope of bodies, skin tones, genders, and sexualities. Watching naked people dance without a care in the world felt like witnessing pure freedom. It was beautiful and refreshing, particularly being in a space filled with queer and gender non-conforming individuals. For me, it was both freeing and healing.

For many, the term sex party might conjure images of dark, intimidating spaces filled with extreme BDSM scenes. While you will likely witness activities that might seem intense to someone who identifies as “vanilla,” there’s also a lot of silliness and playfulness. Nudity and kink aside, it’s not so different from your typical club night. You’ll still find the annoying queue for the toilets and the bar, and even the awkward “So, what do you do for work?” conversations.

However, before considering attending a sex party, it’s essential to understand the rules and expectations that come with these spaces. Different parties cater to different crowds, from cishet swingers to queer and gender-diverse communities. Regardless of the vibe, the foundation of any sex-oriented event must be consent.

Consent goes far beyond simply not touching someone without permission. It means being mindful of the environment, not interrupting ongoing scenes, and engaging in detailed negotiations for more complex interactions. Some parties permit solo voyeurism or masturbation; others don’t. My golden rule? I won’t attend any event that doesn’t have a clearly defined consent policy displayed on its website or promotional materials. If you’re heading to a private event, like one held in someone’s home, it’s wise to go with someone you trust.

Dress codes vary by party, but many encourage attendees to embrace creativity and boldness. Think leather, latex, fishnets, chains, harnesses, ropes, or lycra. Personally, I gravitate toward parties with stricter dress codes. Dressing up is one of my favourite parts; over the past year, I’ve curated a collection of bodysuits and accessories that make me feel confident and sexy. I also love seeing other folks, especially femmes, expressing themselves unapologetically in outfits that defy Western, white, ableist, ageist, and fatphobic beauty standards. From soft tummies in fishnets to saggy breasts bouncing on the dance floor, scars from gender-affirming surgeries, or male-presenting folks reclaiming femininity, it’s a celebration of authentic, diverse beauty.

It’s worth noting that attending a sex party doesn’t guarantee sex. No one is entitled to sex, ever. That doesn’t change just because you’re in a space where people are having sex around you. For me, sex isn’t the centrepiece of these experiences. I’ve had mind-blowing encounters at sex parties, but I’ve also had nights where I didn’t have any sex at all. What makes these events unique is a profound sense of freedom, whether or not I hook up.

If you’re attending with a partner, it’s crucial to talk openly beforehand about expectations, boundaries, and desires. Do you want to stay together throughout the night or split up but leave together? Are you both open to engaging with others or prefer to experience everything together? Are you there to explore, dance, and soak in the vibe without necessarily engaging in sexual activity?

Being in the playroom can be overwhelming, especially for the first time. If you’re sensitive to sensory input, consider bringing aids like earplugs or a fidget toy. Some parties even offer decompression or aftercare areas—don’t hesitate to use them if you need a breather. Don’t be afraid to “miss out”.

Lastly, if you do use the playroom, always clean up after yourself. Be respectful of the space and others. Fun looks different for everyone—there’s no universal standard for a good time.

So, if you’re planning to attend a sex party, pack your condoms, oral dams and toys, but also bring an open mind and a commitment to kindness—both toward others and yourself.